Nintendo 64 And It`s Effects On Monkeys
by Chibi-me
Summary: Well, it`s me playing Majora`s Mask, and Link`s been turned into a clueless bum.
1. The Moxie’s In Kakariko Village Has Bett...

**NOTE: There is a story in the first explanation number-thing

****NOTE:** There is a story in the first explanation number-thing. It's the whole thing about being at Moxie's when Link got sidetracked by the underground cow story. My mind was wandering... And just imagine, for this part of the story, that Sheik **is** a guy. And Zelda...well, she's at the hairdresser's or Impa's reading stories to her or she's playing Mario Kart on her N64. Dude, just a thought. What if Zelda was playing **Zelda**, on her Nintendo 64 system??!! WOAH! FREAKYNESS!! And for those people who think Wufei has something shoved up his ass, he makes an appearance in here, so...yeah. No offence is meant to the Slavs. We love you. Well, Link does. (Link: I do not!) Why not?! (Link: Well... you see... I'm a guy.. and he's...) I meant ALL Slavs out there. (Link: Oh... Well, I only love the babes!) Link..... (Link: Yes?) ....Nevermind.... It's really long, so the story and explanation thingies are in the next chapter.

__

Moving on...

I am attempting to use as much Monty Python and Mel Brooks references as possible and yet remain sane. And there's a lot of references to movies. Usually lame ones. ~I mean no harm to Gwaihir the Wonderful. My idol, right there ladies and gentlemen. I didn't use much. Just the thinking line...and the spelling thing. But I only did it a couple times! Please forgive me! ~And for some reason, Link isn't as dumb and clueless as I wanted to make him... ~And there's a game too! See how many times I use the word ''quality''. Guess correctly and you get a pat on the back! Good luck!**

****

The Moxie's In Kakariko Village Has Better Nachos Than You Do, So Therefore, You Suck!(a transitional story)

Everyone knows the tale, or at least those with class, of how I got stuck in a time chamber or something and sacked (or is it stacked?) some quality Z's for 7 years. I must admit, I felt awake and refreshed when I woke up. But then I had to go fight this big ugly dude who kept trying to kill me and stuff. That was okay, cause I got to go save the damsel in distress, Princess Zelda. 

Boy, I have a hard life. See, there's this horde of chicks who just love me to death. There's my best friend Saria. She's a Kokiri and nice girl. She gave me my first Ocarina. She's really nice, nice curves that is. And we can't forget that Ghetto bootie--

"LINK! How can you think of the Sage of the Forest like that?!" Navi whirred around my head trying to get my teenage attention. Heheh, she sucks at that, but then she just keeps yelling at me to pay attention, then she starts talking, and I can't... I don't know what it is. She's just so friggen BORING. Once, she was telling me something about how to open a door and I leaned against the wall and a big Spider thing, she hadn't told me what it's called yet, and the author is too lazy to get out the book-- Skulltulas, that's what they're called, fell on me. I grabbed for my sword and it fell down onto the mondo-stickie-web-thing at the bottom of the Deku tree in a heap of legs and guts and things of that-there sort. 

And so I went and got medieval on Ganondorf's ugly ass, and then when he decided he didn't like being dead, he came back as an even UGLIER dude, Ganon, which sounds like canon, which sounds like mannon, which looks like Manning, so Ganondork-- dorf is Preston Manning!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After making **that** uncomfortable discovery--(Chibi: Thank God he's retiring!!)-- I went off and kicked his ass (Ganon's, not Preston Moanning's [banana bo bannings me mi mo mannings Mannings]). But then Zelda, for some obscene reason, wanted to send me back to when I was a teeny-bopper so I could "re-live my life" or something weird like that. She's probably jealous of all the other chicks who want a piece 'a me. Like Malon, god she's hot now... And Ruto, now that chick I couda--hee hee, that looks like gouda, you know, the cheese-- taken easily. Man, when a chick, even if she **is** half-Fish, is **that** naked before you, what would you do? I know what I'd do... But thanks to **NAVI** _*glares*_ I had to go on and "Save the universe from certain peril."

"But Navi, can't I take one little six minute break--"

"No, we're all in great peril."

"But Navi, how could six **real quality** minutes of my so-called 'precious-time' destroy the world?"

"I can't tell you, it's too perilous."

And that was the end of that conversation. So instead of banging Ruto like the horney boy from the woods that I was, I had to float up a tube and drain the Water temple. How gay. I was pissed for a week after that. So then I was suddenly (well, not exactly **suddenly**, but you know, time flies when you're famous) I was back in the "Old world" and I was no longer my manly slef--er...self. Which sucked. Then Navi hit me with... "news".

"Link, I have, news."

"News? It's not bad news, is it? You know I can take bad news!"

"Well, to be perfectly frank, it's bad."

(Chibi: But her name isn't frank...)

(Shut up stupid girl! It's part of the story! YOU of all people should know that!)

(Chibi: ALRIGHT Navi. Don't have a hissy fit. Geez, calm yourself, woman)

(I'm not a woman!)

(Chibi: We're not talking about you, Link)

(Oh...)

(Chibi: On with the story!) 

"I KNEW IT!! I KNEW it was bad news. Wait. Maybe if you tell me the **bad** news in a **good** way, it won't **sound** so bad."

"B-b-b-bad news, in a good way... I-I can do that." Then Navi began laughing lamely and it all went downhill from there. She had to go to the Deku Sprout, or whatever it's called. It was calling her to come and watch over it or something. Change it diapers and crap like that. Eww...crap... So basically, she had to go. So she's gone, and the only things I had left (see, all the hot chicks are in the future), were the Ocarina of Time and Epona. So I went to Lon Lon Ranch and found my beloved palomino pony. After stocking up on some quality milk, I left that shit-ticket town and warped me and my Arrow to the Lost woods. And we've been wandering aimlessly for quite some time now. Just taking breaks for naps, potty breaks and when we gotteth the munchies. Yes, gotteth **is** a word. I made it up, if you don't mind.

So anyway. I'm again a teeny bopper. Man this sucks. I loved being a man! That was me, Manly Link Now I'm squat again. I had great length-- I mean... At least then, I looked something beautiful. I mean now, I'm back to being the dirty-little-boy-from-the-forest-who-really-isn't-from-the-forest-which-is-why-he-didn't-have-a-fairy-until-he-was-eleven-cause-he's-really-a-Hyrulean-and-he's-also-the-Hero-of-time-just-to-let-you-know.... Aw damnit, I'm thinking again. I shouldn't do that. Navi always told me not to cause I get off track and I wonder what Tostitos are made of. 'Cause Cheezies are made out of Oil. I know that much. Tostitos, which taste really guud-- hee hee. Guud. I'm Swiss!! See da preety muuses. Mi siisterr was biit bi a muuse onese iin da mountains-- with salsa. You know, the really hot kind. Which reminds me, I was once at the Moxies in Kakariko Village with my homies[1] and we ordered the hottest Wings they had. The chick who sat next to me ordered milk and I began wondering if it was real quality milk from Lon Lon Ranch which it probably was, cause Lon Lon ranch is the only place with cows in this country, which I think is stupid. There should be less cows in holes in the ground and more wandering around the countryside so I can kill one with my mega-hammer-of-doom and have a party in my tree house so we can all get high on American Processed cheese and sing the Cheeseburger song by Mr Lunt. I love Veggietales. Everyone should be able to watch quality humour starring Vegetables. Vegetables don't have seeds. That's what make things a fruit. But then, why do peppers have seeds? Are you a Pepper too? I'm a Pepper, you're a Pepper, she's a Pepper too! Speaking of food songs, Let's all go to A&W! Food's more fun at A&W! We'll have a mug 'a Root beer, or maybe two or three! Pick the perfect size from the Burger Family! Oh let's all go to A&W! I can taste it now, can't you? So hop in the car! Come as you are, to A and Double YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuu!!!!!!!!!!!! Hee hee. I love that song. It reminds me of hotdogs. Did you know the Burger family had a dog named Whistle Dog? He was a hotdog!

__

Back to reality...or some deviation of the word...

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Epona reared up and away from something that scared her tiny brain. I fell off her back, and hit the ground with a sickening thud. Now, while I was in he land of unconsciousnesslessness... I dreamed about the Land of Chocolate, also know as Sweden. I was prancing around a little town made of peppermint sticks, gummy bears and chocolate dogs. I ate a mailbox then had a sudden urge to check out the outhouse. So I opened the door, stepped in and I began falling.

"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! THIS IS GONNA SUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK!!!!" But then I remembered that everything in this land was made of sugary sweets and grinned like the idiot that I truly am. "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"

I went thud. Not a pleasant sound if you ask me. I opened my eyes slowly. I wasn't in the land of chocolate anymore. Bogus. Instead, there was some funky kid in a dress and a weird ol' mask trying to play my Ocarina. What an ass monkey. Everybody knows you have to have an Official I Can Play My Own Ocarina Card™ before you can play an Ocarina. Geez. How dumb is he.

I stumbled to my feet, clutching my head. The kid heard me and turned round. He tried to hide the fact that he'd stolen and was playing my Ocarina. Then he said something about something... I can't remember... I was trying to figure out what he was saying when he jumped on Epona and kicked her! No one kicks my horse's ass but me!! Epona began running away real quick, but she stumbled every once and a while. That's my Epona, the stoner pony. So I leaped and grabbed the Skull Kid's foot. He slipped, but held onto Epona's mane. I knew I should have shaved her for the summer! So she kept running because I had to end up with the wussy horse. She won't even jump into a river! Geez. How lame is that! Come on! OW!! OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! MY OVARIES!!--uh... I mean...oh never mind, but I just got kicked in the nuts..... by my own horse... the traitor.... She took a sharp turn around a tree stump. I lost my grip on the Kid's foot and rolled away at high velocity. She kept running and the Skull Kid laughed.

"Gotta get my horse..." Stupid me. Instead of going off and seeking medical attention for my two best friends, I got up and ran (yeah, right, **ran**) into the cave after Epona and the Skull kid. Man, I just realised how dumb I am. So in I went. Running, or whatever you would call how I was moving. Slightly limping and 'ooching' every other step. Then, I swear, this cavern came out of **nowhere** and jumped out right in front of me! I tried to stop, but, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

THUD! Ow... I landed on something hard again. Today was not a good day. Someone was laughing at me. I hate when people laugh at me. It makes me feel inferior. I know I usually **am** inferior, but I don't like being _reminded_ of it. For the greatest months of my life, I was on top of the world. I was THE Hero of Time. I mean, you can't get ANY better than that. I was on top of the world. Did I say that already? Oh well. But now I'm back to being regular ol' forest guy Linky-poo. And I'm even being laughed at, by a Stupid Skull Kid. Now that I think about it--

(Chibi: Oh no! He's thinking! _*hides*_)

-- That kid has a mask on. And did I already say that too? I think I did. But oh well again. Must be horrible going through puberty. Feeling so ashamed of his facial blemishes that he's gotta wear a funky mask that looks like it should belong in that movie, Child's Play. Can't you just see Chucky putting that doodie on and running around scaring that poor kid, Whatzizname? Well if you can't, too bad cause I can. The fourth movie was pretty good too. Bride of Chucky. Eww... I just remembered the scene in the van with Chucky and Tiffany, where Tiff told Chuck to improvise when it came to killing, so this cop dude got a shitload 'a nails in his head. _*shudder*_ That was a gross scene. But then, that whole movie is gross. Especially that scene where Chucky freaks out that gay guy and he backs out onto the highway. And a Semi Truck is coming and it hits him and his guts go flying everywhere. Dude, I loved that movie. And now that I think about it--

(Chibi: AHH!! He's thinking!!)

(Hey shuddup! I'm trying to describe a gory movie here!)

--I shoulda seen that movie with a chick, Ruto...maybe Malon. Yeah, Malon. So that she'd need to cling to me and stuff. Heheh. That'da been sweet. Instead I saw it by myself... I wasn't scared. Really. Okay shuddup. Shuddup now. Shuddup...slowly... Ever seen the movie.. damn, what's it called? The one with Ah-nold and that chick with the red hair... where--TRUE LIES! That's it! And the scene where he's sitting there with a tape recorder with a Latino voice on it and he's watching his wife strip? He asks her to do something. "Do it. Do it now. Do it... slowly..." You see?

So... yeah. So I fell in this cavern which really **did** come out of nowhere. And I got up and stuff. I was on a flower. A pink flower!

"Okay, why'd I get the gay flower?" No one answered. Instead a spotlight came on and there was the Skull Kid. And dude! He was FLOATING! I must be on some really strong shit today. Gotta congratulate my deale-- UH!! I mean...laa dee daa...dee deedee dum...

So anyway, back to the kid. He was floating and stuff and--uh oh. He's talking. I'd better pay attention. But--AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was suddenly surrounded by Deku Scrubs. Dirty. Little. Deku Scrubs. And they were touching me! AH! In places... Ooo! The places... ahhhh........ n...n..no! No! Stoppit!! Get away from me! You dirty little pervert bushes!!! Frigget mother fucker chia peeeeeeettttsss!!!!! I held my head and ran. Ran as fast as I could. But no matter how fast I ran, the biggest of the Chia people was right behind me. Then he tackled me! OH!!!! MY RIB!!

I opened my eyes. I was back on the gay flower again. The Skull Kid was still floating. Two fairies buzzed around his head. Gee, another reason to feel sorry for him. He has **two** Navi's to worry about. He began laughing. that pre-puberty laugh that I used to have. Wait, I have that now... DAMNIT! I keep forgetting I'm a teeny-bopper again. 

So he was laughing. He pointed and laughed. I was beginning to feel that I had a milk moustache or something, so I leaned over to peer--hee hee. That's a funny word-- in the mini-lake in front of me. Hey, I must _really_ be trippin', cause when I looked in the water, a Deku Scrub looked back at me. Wait a sec.... that's me!! I don't want to deafen you, but I screamed. Did that whole horror, I-can't-believe-what-just-happened-to-me-and-now-I'm-a-friggen-Chia-person! thing.

Then the kid started laughing again and floated off out a door. Then the fairies started going on and on and on about leaving each other, then the door slammed shut on one of 'em. Hehe heheh... yeah, crushing it. But unfortunately not so. That stupid fairy saw me and told me we'd be partners. It was the whole Navi incident all over again! NO! I can't take it! You'll just leave me, like Navi did! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

"Who's Navi?" The fairy asked.

I blinked my Chia Scrub eyes.

Everything went so fast... The last thing I knew, I was talking to the fairy that went 'DING' instead of 'HEY YOU!' And now I'm standing in a dark room. It's kinda freaky, and kinda **loud**! Geez. I must be in a friggen clock or something. Geez. How ironic would that be if I **was** in a clock? Pretty ironic if you ask me. Which you shouldn't. I'm very unreliable. Yeah, yeah, I defeated the Ultimate Evil, Preston Manning, which is kinda scary cause Sheik talks with his voice, yet I **know** that he's really Ganon... But oh well. I'm still unreliable.

__

Moving on...

The 'DING' fairy smirked.

"WHAT?!" I yelled at it. She didn't answer so I wandered up a pair of stairs which were handily right there in front of me. So up I went. After rounding a few corners, climbing a lot more stairs, I spied a door. So naturally, I went over and stood in front of it. You don't know how long I stood there pressing 'A' until some weird dude started laughing at me? [AN: This is true. I'm so dumb. But hey! I listened to Navi in the last game!!] I turned around and it was...

"AH!! The freaky-oriental-or-maybe-not-happy-mask-thing-sales-man-from-my-pas- or-was-that-my-future-damn-I-don't-know-anymore...dude...yeah." 

The guy just smiled. Oh no, he's talking again. Boy, I missed a lot. WAIT! He said something about me being a Chia pet... And my Ocarina! My precious Ocarina! I don't want my Official I Can Play My Own Ocarina Card™ to go to waste! Yes! I'll get this mask thing! So you can change me back to my normal self!

(Chibi: _**looking all formal-like**_ Actually, Link, you heal yourself. He teaches you the song of healing, and then you play it, and you turn back into your old self and get the Deku transformation mask.)

(Link: Well thanks for nothing)

(Chibi: Welcome)

(Link: Can you at least teach me the song so I don't have to wander around for who knows how-whatsit long?)

(Chibi: Three days. And sorry no. You gotta meet all these weird-butt[2] people and do stuff and ask for cookies at the milk bar and watch these two guys throw balls at each other for a whole day. It's really fun. And then you gotta sit on a flower and stare at the moon and scream like a girl when the ground starts shaking cause the moon is farting something horrible due to those burritos he had for dinner last night. And then you gotta "fight" the skull kid. That fight really isn't a fight. It's more like, 'Press Z then press and hold B for a couple seconds then let go over and stand on the blue blob, which is really your Ocarina, that the kid drops. Then there's this really BAD flashback where Zelda looks like a friggen NUN. You're all pumped for the 'fight' and then you gotta sit through this gushy THING and then you play the Song o' fricken Time. And then you're back to right here. So go. Go and do all that stuff I just said and more. Go.)

So here I'm standing. In the Clock Tower. Should that be one phrase?

(Chibi: Quiet, You)

I did all that stuff that Chibi told me to do. I actually did it all. See, I took notes. On this 

little pad of paper...CRAP![3] It's gone! Where'd it go?!?!? Oh no! The instructional booklet has escaped from me once again! Why does it feel like Saturday? And **why** did I just think of that? Why, Lord? Why ME? Me, the cutest of all cute and furry things--

"Eww! Link, you're not furry..." Tatl fluttered kind of sideways-like.

"I'm not?" I patted my chest. "Damn! I forgot again! I'm not a man!"

"Link, you're not a man **or** a boy either anymore, you're a Deku Scrub."

"WHAT?! I'm a Chia person...still... I...almost forgot..."

"Link, how could you forget? You've been a Deku Scrub for 3 days already! You're even a Teenage Mutant Ninja-- No... You're not one of them... Damn you, Link! You've got me hypnotized or something!"

I grinned evilly and rubbed my hands together. I sang quietly and waved my fingers all magically-like at Tatl, "I put a spell on you."

"What?"

"No-thing!" I grinned again.

"Oh no... That's not a good smile.. Link! Stop that! Right now!"

"Or what?"

"Or I'll get ya motha to come down 'ere and bust ya ass until ya ding-a-ling!" Woah. Tatl's black. Who knew?

I eeped. I couldn't help it. Even though I don't have a mother... 

(Chibi: What? Everyone has a mother!)

(Link: No! The stork brought me! Geez! Stupid girl!)

"So what do I do now?" I asked my fairy.

"You expect **me** to know?" If Tatl had fingers, she's be pointing at herself and scoffing at me. Sometimes I hate that fairy more than I did Navi. But only sometimes. A 'Ding' is a lot easier to ignore than 'Hey You!'

I sighed. "I dunno. I just thought you were smarter than me, but I guess not. You're just as dumb as the boy from the woods..."

"I am not like you in any way!" She snuffed. "I'll find out! To prove you wrong you little sack--"

Quiet laughing cut her off. We both turned around in slow motion to see... The Oriental-or-maybe-not dude! He giggled some more. "So glad to see you again," he said.

And I fainted.

****

To be continued...


	2. PRE-STORY STORY THAT IS AFTER THE STORY ...

PRE-STORY STORY THAT IS AFTER THE STORY CAUSE YOU'VE READ THE STORY ALREADY STORY ****

PRE-STORY STORY THAT IS AFTER THE STORY CAUSE YOU'VE READ THE STORY ALREADY STORY......yeah __Including the explanationthingies

(Link narrates. Yeah, again. Sorry, but he's all we've got. Unless you want Sheik with his Preston Manning voice... *a great round of 'NO' is heard* Alright then. Take it away, Link) [AN: Actually, in this mini-story, Sheik has taken voice lessons, so he no longer speaks in that high, scary, influencing voice like Preston Manning. He has a normal Hot-Guy voice *_Chibi blushes_*]

[1] My homies. You know, like Sheik, and the dead dude in the graveyard.. whatzizname... Gor...no. Gu... maybe... hm... Book.... 

*_Chibi takes out her_ "**The Legend Of ZELDA Ocarina Of Time OFFICIAL Nintendo® Player's Guide**" _and goes to page 65 (so close to 69, yet so far..) where it told her she was **way** off with the Grave keeper's name which is Dampé_.* *_Chibi blushes_* (Chibi: Hee hee...) 

ANYway... Wait... Dampé, who was dead, wasn't at Moxie's... lemmie start the list again. Sheik, Malon, Saria, Ruto, Nabooru, and Twinrova (she's nice now. We had a heart-to-heart) were at the Moxie's in Kakariko village. Zelda couldn't make it for some reason. I wonder why... We needed one more chick so we would be even, so Sheik and I told the ladies to order drinks and we went outside in search of another babe. I thought of the Cucco lady. _*whistle* _That skirt sure does her justice. 

*Wufei from **Mobile Suit: Gundam Wing** suddenly enters Kakariko village and comes running over to Link and Sheik screaming like a Banshee about justice all the way*

Wufei: JUSTICE?! What do YOU know of JUSTICE?! You filthen the word, you unjust monkey!

Link: MONKEY? I'm not a monkey! I'm the Hero Of friggin Time! 

Wufei: Heero? Why would he be here? [AN: Don't know who there guys are? Go to http://www.gundamofficial.com then into the 'After Colony series'. Then into either 'Gundam Wing' or 'Endless Waltz'. Doesn't matter. They're all in there.] Damn! *_he looks at his watch_* I'm coming Natakuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!! _*he turns and runs back out the main gate. The sky lights up a couple seconds later as the Gundam Shenlong (or Shenlon, for those of you who have a pole shoved up your ass) blasted off Hyrule and into outer space*_

Sheik and I turned and ran up the stairs leading to Impa's old house, already forgotten about the weird, short, Chinese dude. Once inside, we spotted the Cucco chick. I reached around under her arms from behind her and Sheik grabbed her knees and we high-tailed it outta there. The fat Slavic guy witht he skinny legs didn't even have time to say "HEY YOU!" before we were out the door. 

So we were sitting on the roof of the House of Skulltula with the Cucco girl laying across our laps. She had fainted when I'd used my hookshot to get us across the gap between the houses. I stood up slowly and handed the girl's feet to Sheik as my brain clicked into gear. 

"We'd better get back to Moxie's," I said. "I don't even want to think about how much the beverage bill will be. You **know** how Ruto drinks like a fish!" Sheik nodded and hefted the Cucco girl (we're gonna hafta find out what her name is) over his shoulder. He wrapped an arm around my waist, man, was that disturbing, and again nodded at me. I raised my longshot and fired at the edge of the watch tower. Sheik's grip on my waist greatly intensified so as to the point where I could barely breathe. 

"Uh...Sheik," I choked while we sailed over that huge tree that had the Skulltula in it seven years ago. "Could you...lighten up...please?"

He grinned sheepishly and loosened his grip slightly. "Heh...heh... Sorry 'bout that, Link." 

We sailed past the watch tower, and I flicked my wrist to unhook the end of the longshot. I aimed and fired again at the roof of Moxie's. We fell several meters before the hook caught itself in the tiles. Sheik gasped. I guess he's never used a hookshot before, let alone a longshot (--that's me getting technical there. Woo!). SHHHINK! K-CHINKCHINKCHINK! TMP! TMP! (sound effects: The hookshot unhooking from the roof, the longshot chain recoiling, Sheik and I touching ground) And we were back at the restaurant. By then, the Cucco chick had woken up and Sheik was explaining to her why she suddenly on the other side of town, and my, how her eyes shimmered like sapphires in the moonlight. The Suckup. Sometimes, that man makes me sick. Him and his _harp_. Gag me with a deku stick.

I put away my longshot and marched past Sheik and "Kae, what a lovely name" into Moxie's. I froze in the doorway as my brain kicked in. Kae, as in Kaepora? As in the owl? She was named after the owl that chased me around my entire childhood? Kaepora Gaebora, that crazed raptor that left me scarred as a minor, and that why I'm terrified to death of large birds? Beat me over the head with that stick again, please.

I groaned and completed entering the building. Once inside, Ruto spotted me and waved me over. I smiled at the breasts--uh...girls--uh...women--ladies and a fish...? oh whatever. I smiled at them and sat down between Malon and Saria, the humans. Ruto sat on Saria's other side. I felt like a playboy... Sheik came in with _*shudder*_ Kae and sat at the table. Hey, there's wings... Then I had a couple...dozen wings, and I was on fire. Really, my mouth was aflame. Lucky for me, Malon had ordered milk, and milk is the only liquid known to quench heat. It's true. I saw it on... what is called? 'Inquiring Minds'? Yeah, I think that's it. Either that or 'Wonder Why'. But back to the food. It was REALLY good. I mean, we completely pigged out. Well, **I** did, I don't know about the girls, fish, or Sheik.

Time passed. I don't know how much, time flies when there's a plate of Nacho's in front of you with REALLY GOOD dip. It's some sort of cheese, and spinach. It actually wasn't that bad. I had a lot. Nabooru glared at me. I guess she liked the stuff too. I grinned sheepishly and hid my face on Saria's shoulder. She giggled. Oh yeah. Point for me. I'm closing in on a hat trick. How do I know this? Well Saria giggled, Malon's fluttering her eyelashes at me, and by the look on Ruto's face I'd say we'd better get to the underground club pretty soon or she's gonna ovulate on the spot.

So after there was no trace of a Nacho or dip on the plate, we all left for the club. I was being responsible and paying the bill. Actually, I lost the coin toss. Sheik was being an ass and laughing at me right in my ear. Kae was clinging to his chest by the cloth thing with the eye on it. She was giggling. 

Once outside, I felt better for three reasons. 

#1 There was sufficient light. Inside the restaurant, there were only candles to light the room and my eyes had begun to sting after a while.

#2 The girls deemed 'mine', that being Saria, Malon and Ruto, were hanging off me. Heheh. It felt good, to put it mildly. My condition was a tad tumescent, if you get my drift.

and #3 .... Well... 1 and 2 are good enough! 

Now, about this underground club, do you remember that secret grotto behind the potion shop? Well, the people got tired of a hole in the ground with a cow in it, and turn it into a club. A very smart choice made by the Youth of today. And they say we do nothing constructive... I scoff at them. Scoff, scoff, scoff. There. I feel better now, having scoffed at the Not-Youth[4]

So logically, unless we all wanted to hop a ride via cucco, the only way in was through the Potion shop. And according to my sources, the Salesclerk only lets people through if they bargain. And only a "special" type of bargain.

I was voted as "Leader", so therefore, I was shoved into the shop first. I stumbled on the throw rug and smiled at the clerk. I think his name is Corey. "Heh, heh, heh... eh.. Hi..." I stuttered. 

Corey smiled brightly at me. "Hello, Link! Long time no see, eh? So, what did you come back for? Some more lube? I kept some for you. It's in the back, if you wanna come back and get it with me--"

"NO! Uh.. I mean, that's okay, Core. Uh... I didn't come here for that. And, uh... I'm kinda straight..." I fidgeted with my belt. I heard Sheik snicker and the girls giggle. Note to self: Kill that damned traitor Sheikah. That is, after tonight. We don't want him to die a virgin, do we? Naw. I'm not that mean. I glared at him over my shoulder and turned back to Corey. "But you know what, Core," I smiled that domineering smile that he _loves_ to see from me. "Why don't we go back there anyway. I know what you want. Hey? I'm right. I know I'm right. Right big boy?" Oh god. I hate doing this. And I end up having to do this **every time** Sheik and I go to this club. I don't know how, but I think Sheik's rigged Rock, Paper, Scissors or something.

Corey giggled and lifted the curtain to the back of the shop and gestured that I go back there. I went behind the red curtain and smiled at him, but inside, I was screaming. Screaming at Sheik. Screaming how much I hated him. But screaming would do me no good now. Why? Because I was behind the counter. Those who go back there, don't come out the same as when they went in. I've been back there before, it's all Sheik's fault, but I've made it out, alive. I've heard stories, oh you wouldn't believe the stories, of guys who've went back there, and went they came out, well, let's just say they had a sudden fetish for napkin rigs, if you know what I mean. That's why I wear tights and a tunic. Think about it. I'm not the same man I used to be.

Let's be brief. 

It took me a while, but I convinced Corey to let us into the club. I feel so dirty. He fanned himself with his hand and waved us past. Soon as we were out the back door and it was closed, Sheik pounded on my back and started laughing his ass off. Have I mentioned how much I hate him? 

"Sheik, I have a sword and a large amount of unmentionable weapons stashed about me that would be VERY painful if they just happened to be shoved up your ass, so SHUT UP!" He shut up, but not quickly enough for my tastes. He's the kind of guy who needs to giggle about something until I blow up. Which I did. I dragged him up the ladder to behind the Windmill and beat him with a deku stick until he begged me to stop. I did, reluctantly. Blue is a lovely colour for him. And I'm not talking about his armour. No sir. Bruises. Heheh. But because he covers himself from practically head to toe, none of the bruises are visible. It's our little secret. Plus, I couldn't make any of them visible or it would turn the girls off. And I'm not that cruel, not to myself.

So we went into the club. It was louder than I remembered. And it was practically empty. That surprised me. But then, I remembered there were only two public residences in this town and shrugged. There were a couple Gerudo warriors dancing up on the stage. Nabooru turned red and Sheik had to keep her attention away from the stage. The sap. The lucky sap.

Let's skip a bunch of this. Nothing much happened. Except Ruto got stinking drunk and strip danced (man, that was weird. I mean, you'd **think** she's got nothing to strip...). To say the least it was...educational. Yeah...educational. That's my story and I'm sticking with it. 

So after that, we were hard up for material. You see, neither Sheik or I have ever... um.. how do I say this?

(Chibi: What he's trying to say is Link's never gone out before)

(Link: CHIBI!)

(Chibi: Yis?)

(Link: ...you...you...AUGH!)

(Chibi: ^-^ It's my job)

(Link: To what? Make my life a living hell?)

(Chibi: No. That's Ganondork's job)

(Link: Well, what's your job?)

(Chibi: Isn't it obvious?)

(Link: No)

(Chibi: You're so silly, Link. I almost wish I was in this story)

(Sheik: But you **are** in this story...)

(Chibi: No I'm not)

(Sheik: Uh...yes you are...)

(Chibi: What ever are you talking about, Sheik? I'm not in this story. I'm the author. Phh. Geez-a. Silly people ^-^)

(Sheik: But you're... and we're talking to... and you're here... oh I'm confused)

(Chibi: Aw... Poor baby Sheik... You'd better lie down and rest your head)

(Sheik: No.. I don't need to...)

(Chibi: Yes, Sheik, you do. Lie down)

(Sheik: Okay...)

(Chibi: Good boy)

(Link: What's happening? And why is everything in brackets?)

(Chibi: Because I WANT everything to be in brackets! AND DON'T BE SO LOUD, LINK! YOU'LL WAKE UP SHEIK!!)

(Link: But you're the one who's talking loud...)

(Chibi: No I'm not)

(Link: You're not?)

(Sheik: You're not?)

(Chibi: **You're** supposed to be asleep)

(Sheik: I **am** asleep)

(Chibi: No you're not)

(Sheik: Yes I am)

(Link: But Sheik, you're not--)

(Sheik: SHP!)

(Link: Okay, so you are asleep)

(Chibi: No he isn't)

(Link: How do you know he's not asleep?)

(Chibi: Well, #1 he's talking, and #2 his eyes are open)

(Link: Maybe he's half-fish like Ruto and sleeps with his eyes open cause he ain't got no eyelids)

(Sheik: _*groans*_)

(Chibi: Link, I kinda doubt that)

(Link: Why?)

(Chibi: Well, #1 he's not half-fish cause he's a Sheikah, and #2 he does too have eyelids cause he blinks like everyone else)

(Link: Where'd you get so smart?)

(Chibi: In Author Training School. Where'd you think? Elboya Junior High? I think not)

(Sheik: Hin?)

(Chibi: Go back to sleep, Sheik)

(Sheik: oh...okay... Should I sleep with my eyes open?)

(Chibi: No, Sheik. Sleep with your eyes closed)

(Sheik: Why?)

(Chibi: We already went over this, Sheik)

(Sheik: No we didn't)

(Chibi: Yes we did)

(Sheik: No we didn't. I was asleep)

(Chibi: No, you weren't asleep. We were arguing whether you were asleep or not, which you weren't)

(Sheik: But I **was** asleep)

(Chibi: With your eyes open? No you weren't. Go back to sleep Sheik)

(Sheik: Chibi?)

(Chibi: Yeah?)

(Sheik: Can you sing me a lullaby. Please?)

(Chibi: Oh all right. Just for you. But you have to go to sleep afterwards. Okay?)

(Sheik: Okay, Chibi)

(Chibi: _*sings Sheik a lullaby, but ends up falling asleep herself*_)

(Link: Oh! What sweet luck!)

(Sheik: _*is asleep*_)

(Link: Wake up, Sheik!)

Sheik then woke up and I dragged him back onto the main dance floor. 

"We're still at the club?" he asked.

"No, this is my tree house," I answered sarcastically.

"Really? Wow, you musta remodelled," Sheik looked around with wide eyes.

"Sheik, you're an idiot."

"What?"

"Does this **look** like a tree house?"

"...It could."

I rolled my eyes.

Okay, I need to end this... how do I end this? What did we do? I can't remember... We musta gotten really drunk. And we're back in my tree house, all of us. I'm on my bed with Sheik. I'm too hung over to care right now. Malon is sleeping on Nestle's, my cow's, back. Saria is sitting, out on the balcony, Nabooru is on the floor by my feet, and Kae is right next to her. Somehow Ruto fit heself into my fishtank, and Twinrova, is hanging from the ceiling. Wow, we musta been rowdy last night. So I got up and wandered out onto the balcony to talk to Saria. But I forgot to stop walking and fell off the balcony. 

I hit my head on a rock and went unconscious.

****

To be continued... wait... actually, maybe not... the next chapter of the first story is next... _this_ story won't be continued, that is, unless you want it to...[5]

This one isn't a story. Bogus.

[2] This story is censored for the young at heart. And I think weird-butt sounds funny. You gotta say it out loud and ROLL your R's, like you wuz a frenshhh personnne, and like on the Tim Horton's Roll Up the Rim commercial. Like that. Be fRREenshhh. (that's how you say French if you're a Franglais bum like Chibi!)

Neither is this one. Double bogus.

[3] Okay. So it isn't. Sue me. Actually, don't.. All I have is my Official I Can Play My Ocarina Card™.

[4] This is a real saying. At my church, the youth group is always being referred to as The Youth, so I decided (yes, it was **my** decision) to call everyone who wasn't a Youth, The Not-Youth. They don't seem to mind...much.

[5] Yeah. so if you wanna see another lame attachment to this story, let me know. And...yeah

Apologies that are probably too late:

I'm sorry that Sheik is such an idiot. I'm sorry Link didn't get any. I'm sorry all the girls were ditzes. I'm sorry I named the Cucco lady after the owl. I'm sorry I gave the owl a bad rep. I'm sorry for being sorry so much. I'm sorry I wrote myself into a long argument with Link and Sheik. I'm sorry I had to make an extra chapter to fit all this into my sub-conscious mind. I'm sorry these apologies are turning into their own story. I'm sorry I named the cow after a brand of cookies. I'm sorry you had to read this. But I thank you very much if you actually read the whole story. You can send me hate mail if you wish. I'm sorry that you've be reduced to sending hate mail. I'm sorry I'm getting emotional over a story. I'm sorry I forced my bf to send this to fanfiction.net because my computer won't handle Javascript. I'm sorry I insulted my school, but it's true, they don't teach me anything (except Mr J. I love you, man). I sorry I just said I love my English teacher on the internet. A lot of you probably hate your English teacher, but Mr J is cool. I'm sorry Link babbles. I'm sorry... for... I'm sorry I ran out of things to be sorry for. I'm sorry if this story sukced. I'm sorry I spelled sucked wrong. 

Adieu, tout le monde.

I'm sorry if I used the French wrong in that phrase. (precisely translated, it means "To God, the whole world". Roughly translated, it means "Farewell, everyone".) I'm sorry I'm so complicated.

Bye


	3. No Title Yet

(It may look long, but it's all talk) A lot of weird stuff happens in this chapter __

(It may look long, but it's all talk) A lot of weird stuff happens in this chapter. I can't tell you, or I'll spoil the story. But what I can tell you: I do cruel and unusual things to Link, and before the original content, I have a counselling session with Sheik and Saria. As a note, the lil conversations in brackets (...) are kinda Mystery Science Theatre (MST) type things. Overall, it's a touching story. Even if it is boring and long and . . . It's nice . . . So enjoy! 

****

Story On Which We Haven't Decided The Title Yet

Hello. It's me again. Please calm yourselves. There's no reason to crowd around me like that. Okay, so there is. But that doesn't mean you can invade my personal space. Okay so it does. Do what you will with me. I'll be good.

"Link, you're so lame."

"Tatl? How you'd get in my dream?"

"It's not like I'm here by my own free will. Chibi sent me to wake you up. If it were to me, I'd leave you to the dogs."

"Sodomy? Ew...."

"Not like that! Well, you'd better hurry up."

"Why?"

"Cause Chibi told me to wake you up, and she's a very impatient person."

"She did? Why would she do that? And why didn't she come herself?"

"I don't know. Maybe she didn't want to see your ugly Deku Scrub face because she's terrified of Deku Scrubs. They scare me too you know, so **WAKE UP ALREADY!!!!**"

I opened my eyes. The oriental-or-maybe-not dude was leaning over me and smiling. "So glad to see you again," he repeated.

I held my throbbing head-- eh heh... heh... yeah... _head_.. _*blushes*_--

Tatl groaned. "Not **that** head, you idiot!" 

"Oh.. heheh..." I blushed again and turned back to the Happy Mask Man. "So...yeah. Hi."

He stood, slightly bent over. Geez. He has a big bag on his back. It must be heavy. Not as heavy as Epona though. She's fat_. *gets swacked over the head by Epona's spirit which is constantly around Link_* Did I say fat? I meant phat. Yeah... phat! Epona can't tell the difference between fat and phat. _*gets swacked again* _ But I meant phat! Really! Wanna hear that story how I know Epona is _*looks around*_ fat? _*gets swacked*_ I guess I'll tell ya later... _*rubs the spot where Epona swacked him*_

Where was I? Oh yeah. The Happy Mask Man was leering down at me. Gee willikers, that freaks me out. So does saying "Gee willikers", for that matter. So yeah, _finally_ getting back on topic. He started talking, and then he was suddenly sitting at this organ. 

. . . .

An **ORGAN**??[1] How the hell did he get an friggin _organ_ in here? This is a freagin _clock tower_! Well… it's not exactly the 'tower' part, but you know what I mean.

"Now learn this song and keep it with you." Really pretty music was coming out of the organ. But I don't think he was playing. I think that was one of those organs that reads the music off the paper that's inside of it. That Happy Mask Man is one big fraud. Well, that's my opinion. I don't know about you. Actually, when I think about it, I don't know you. I want to know you! I want to know all your secrets! All your dirty secrets. Call me at 69-FAIRY-BOY, I'll listen.

"Link, you are so lame." I looked up to see Tatl with her little stunted fairy-arms crossed.

[2]

"Wha-at?" My voice cracked and I shrugged at her.

"Never mind . . . But we'd better get going, you only have three days unti-- **THREE DAYS**? _What the hell???_" She fluttered around with this weirded-out expression on her little stunted fairy-face. "Link, we . . .we went back to day one . . ."

"Correction," I held up a finger, "_square_ one. Now I have to do all this weird shit again . . ." I slumped to my knees. Holding my hands to the sky I wailed, "Why me?"

Tatl tilted her head, which resulted in her whole little stunted fairy-body tilting since she's so puny. "Why you, what?" I gave her the **Heero Yuy Glare 'O Death®**. She recoiled. "Okay, I get it."

After a while of silence, or as silent as it can get in south clock town, Tatl asked, "So what do we do now?"

"The same friggen thing I did for the LAST three days! My life if so friggen repetitive! And _why_, all of a sudden do **_I_** know everything? Isn't that **_your_** job? Are you slacking on me, Tatl? Hm? HM? **HM?!!" **I took a deep breath. "Calm...Okay. Let's go." And so AGAIN, I went on my ways and did stuff in this boring little town called Clock. What did I do? Hm... I rescued a fairy, a damn ugly fairy... Then I got a mask, so when I wear that, and the hair shimmers, there's, like, a pink fairy around somewhere and 'calls' them to me cuz they're so dumb they think I'm the big fairy lady that reminds Chibi and her best friend of their old French teacher. It's a very unreliable mask. Just like me. I just realised something. I, like, suddenly got SO mature. Damn. How'd that happen? Something must be wrong with me. I must have attracted one of those airborne viruses or something. Wouldn't that be cool? If _I_ was an airborne bacteria . . . I could write an essay on that, if I was in school, and I'm not. And what I'd do if I was invisible for a day. I'd run around naked. For both those things. I'd run around naked if I was an airborne bacteria _and_ if I was invisible for a day. That would be SO much fun! And what if I was an invisible airborne bacteria! COOL! But then that makes me think about the big fat mother F'ing needle that I have to get because I'm between the ages of 2 and 24 for the meningecucco virus. 

Tatl tapped me on the head. "Uh...it's Meningiti--"

"Shut up! Don't care! Cause I am gonna skip out on the needle and go slug hunting." Hey, the upsides to being a kid again: as an adult, people thought I was _really weird_ when they saw me out slug hunting. But now, I can role around under all the decomposing logs I want! It's all good.

Did I finish my last encounter with the Happy-Mask-Man? Well, he started asking all these questions, then he suddenly had eyes! And man, did he look stressed. Okay, so then he picked me up and threw me across the room, then he picked me up again and slammed me down onto his knee WWF style. He needs a valium. I got out with minor injuries. So now, I've done all my chores, and I'm sitting on the step just outside the South Gate of Clock Town facing the swamp. It's a lovely swamp. Swamps are always lovely, I think.

"So," Tatl broke the silence. "You wanna go down there or something?"

****

WARNING! STAND BY FOR SERIOUS-LIKE TALK! STAY IN YOUR HOMES UNTIL NOTIFIED! HIDE UNDER DESKS, CHAIRS, OR BEDS UNTIL THE PHENOMENON HAS PASSED! THIS IS _NOT_ A TEST!

I sighed. "I dunno, Tatl. I feel like I should go there. Something inside," I tapped my chest, "is telling me . . ." I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees. "But I don't know, Tatl. At the same time, I feel compelled to go to the mountain up north, and to ocean out west, and to the canyon in the east, and then," I looked at the assured downfall overhead, "and then . . . to the moon."

****

END OF SERIOUS-LIKE TALK! YOU CAN COME OUT OF YOUR HOMES SAFELY! THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE! HAVE A NICE DAY!

"To the moon? What are you crazy, Link? Right now you'd better get your ass into the swamp or I'll get some being of the re-dead to rape you again!" I had made the mistake of telling Tatl my previous-life story, even down to the little details about the re-dead in the Market of Hyrule.

It was around here that I began wishing I had some Oreos. I don't know why, I just wish I did.

__

*Enter Chibi aka: the Goddess of York. Or not. Whatever. NeverMIND!*

"Link, I'm sorry, but this story really sucks. So I've come here to set you straight. You're supposed to go to the swamp. Okay? I'm sorry I had to come in here like this, but you really screwed up."

"Chibi, I'm hurt."

"That was the point, Link. Now don't screw up again, or I'll have Martha Stuart come and call you uncouth."

"Uncoo--what?"

"Uncouth. It means you're rude, you little idiot!"

"Oh . . .HEY!"

__

*Exit Chibi*

"Well thank God she's gone!"

"I heard that!"

"AH! I thought you were gone!"

"I'm the Author! I'm always here!"

". . .damn . . ."

"And don't curse! It's bad for reviews!"

". . .damn . . . Oh CRAP! Uh! I mean! NO!"

"And he wonders why I pity him . . ."

"What?"  


"Nevermind, Link. Get on to the swamp." _*slaps Link's ass*_

So on her orders with Tatl and one slightly tingling ass, I went South. I posed with one foot on a stump and pointed, "To the Swamp!"

"Link--"

"Said Tatl, who was just a tad peeved."

"Grr.."

"Tatl growled."

"Link?"

"Tatl asked."

"AUGH!"

"She shouted in fury!"

"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THAT?"

"She screamed in her little stunted fairy-voice. Link, the hero, answered wisely, Well Navi--UH!-- Tatl, I'm telling the friendly folks at home where I am going."

"That's all fine and dandy--"

"Said Tatl. She glared at the handsome hero for a second before continuing."

"--But would you stop narrating?"

"Why? asked the hero."

"Because you're getting damn annoying."

"Sai--"

__

*Enter Chibi who is now VERY pissed at Link and glomps him on the head with his old mega-hammer-of-DOOM!*  


*Chibi smiles to herself*

  
*Exit Chibi*

"Thank you Chibi. And another thing, Link." I looked up at her, holding my poor, sore head (not _that_ head, thank God). "This isn't south. You went WEST, you IDIOT!" She kicked my shin with her little stunted fairy-feet.

"OW!" I rolled away from her. "Hey... sand! Oh..._sand_. This isn't the swamp, is it Navi?"

"For the **last time**, my name is TATL! You dorkus maximus! Why do I stay with you??!!"

"Because you're afraid what I'll do to you if you leave. You don't know what it's like not to be in an abusive relationship, do you Navi?"

"My **name** is _not_ **NAVI!!**"

Just then, a crazed fan came running up to me on the beach. Hey! He's riding Epona! "You bastard! Where'd you get her??! Get over here, you piece! I'm gonna kick your white trash ass from here to Hyru--" Blushdom... "Eh heh . . .Hi Malon . . . Those leather riding pants sure do you justice . . ."

(Sheik: How lame. She's taking lines from the last story)

(Malon: I know! And why am I in this story?)

(Sheik: Don't worry. It's not you. It's Cremia)

(Malon: WHAT?! Another woman?!)

(Saria: WHAT?! Another woman?!)

(Ruto: WHAT?! Another woman?!)

(Sheik: Uh...Ruto, you're not exactly a woman...)

(Ruto: Are you calling me a man?)

(Sheik: yes...uh-- NO! no! ...aw crap...)

(Ruto: Crap?! I'll show you crap!!)

"Hi, my name's Cremia. I saw you walking from a ways. Don't you know it's dangerous to walk on this beach?" ..._she_ said. I am now seriously doubting that this is Malon. 

Epona shoved her fat head into my chest. I hugged her and patted her forelock. "Hey girl. You know, I didn't think I'd ever see you again after that Skull Kid ran off with you."

Cremia tilted her head. "You know her? Is she yours?" I guess my giggle when Epona licked my nose (now that I think back on it, it was really gross) answered her question. "My sister and I found her this morning. She was wandering around Termina Field. We caught her without a problem, I even mounted her bareback, but she refused to jump over a simple creek, or a fence going uphill. She's an odd horse." 

No, I thought, she's just an idiot. At least, I thought I thought that. Apparently I said it out loud. Stupid brain. Sometimes I think I'd be better off without it. But, oh my . . . Cremia's looking at me . . . My brain just came up with an idea. There's a Temple Of Time back in Hyrule, and I can freeze time here, and if I can find myself a blow torch so I can open the door leading back to the Lost Woods . . . I am **so** bad.

Tatl tugged on my sleeve. "Link, you can't do that, whatever you're thinking. You' have to go to the Swamp!"

"But Tatl!" I whined. "I wanna go back to the Temple Of Time and become a man!"

"Link, how would you get there? The door to the Other World is closed tight, and the moon will hit clock town in two and a half days! You don't have _time_ to grow up!" I hate having arguments with oblivious fairies. 

I turned to Cremia, "Excuse me for a minute." I took out my handy-dandy . . .Ocarina and played the Double Song Of Inverted Time. All time froze except for me and Tatl. "See?" I grinned at my fairy.

She fluttered around all sideways-like again. "How'd you DO that?"

"I told you, when the Author thinks you're hot as 'Manly Link', one can do many things. And that 'One' just happens to me." I took out a pair of sunglasses. "Just call me 'Neo'."

****

The Screwed Story From Beyond

(Chibi: I am so ashamed)

(Sheik: Aww, Chibi don't get down on yourself. It was a good story)

(Chibi: Yeah. Keyword: was)

(Saria: No, Chibi, seriously. It's an original idea, which you're not known for. It's very good that you thought of something so interesting!)

(Chibi: _*sniff*_ Y-you think it's interesting? Honestallement?)

(Saria: Of course)

(Sheik: _*gets jabbed in the ribs by Saria*_ Yeah!)

(Chibi: Okay. Does the new title fit?)

(Sheik: Yes. Most defiantly)

(Saria: Whatever you think is right, Chibi)

(Chibi: And do you guys understand what's happening?)

(Sheik: Link's frozen time in Termina and is somehow going back to Hyrule to grow up, then is going to come back to Termina as 'Manly Link')

(Chibi: Good)

I raised the Ocarina of Time to my lips, focussing my mind on the Temple of Time and the Triforce. The Prelude of Light seemed to find it's way out all on it's own. And the next thing I knew, I was standing in the first room of the Temple. 

"YEAH!" I screamed and jumped around. And Tatl looked at me . . . "Isn't this GREAT, Tatl??!! YEAH!!! I'M HOOOOOME!!"

Tatl tilted her little stunted fairy-body. "Hey!" she said.

I stopped jumping. "Tatl?"

"Who's Tatl?" the fairy asked.

"Navi?!" My eyes went all big and Bambi.

"Link?!" The fairy fluttered up, her little blue aura trailing behind her.

"NAVI!!"

"LINK!!"

We hugged. Or at least the closest thing to a hug when it comes to a ten-year-old and a fairy.

Just then I felt something move around inside my hat. For practically the first time in my life, I took off my hat and looked inside it (last time I did that, I was looking for the PB&J sandwich I'd left in there). A yellow fairy cam buzzing out. She dinged at me.

"Tatl?"

"AUGH! Why'd you put me in there?? It reeks in there! How often do you shower?" Then Tatl saw Navi. 

The room literally got darker and blue and yellow sparks flew between the two fairies. At least they love me . . . Right?

" "Who's _that_?" " both fairies asked with venom.

"Navi, Tatl. Tatl, Navi. Navi, Tatl's my fairy from Termina, and Tatl, Navi's my fairy from Hyrule." I clasped my hands in front of me and sighed. "But enough with introductions, I have a body to change!" I closed my eyes and strutted forward. THWACK--THUMP! "Ung....." I ran into the pedestal with the three spiritual stones, then folded over and my neck was pieced by the Zora's Sapphire. "OWIE!!" I used the Kokiri's Emerald to study the damage done to my beautiful neck. "AH! NAVI! It's looks like I was bit by a vampire!"

Navi fluttered over my shoulder, Tatl was close behind her. "Indeed it does, Link. At least it's not as bad as the hickies Ruto used to give you."

Tatl dinged. "How do _you_ know about that?!"

Navi glared at the yellow fairy, "Hey! I _am_ his fairy here! I know more about his kid than you can guess! I even know his sexual endeavours!"

"Woah, Navi! You're getting a little personal there . . ."

"The point is, Charlatan, he has none!"

Tatl gasped in horror. "Link," she asked, "is this true?"

Navi scoffed, "He won't answer you. He's too proud to admit it."

__

*Chibi's Warning: Sad moment*

I felt . . .hurt. How could Navi do this to me? My oldest friend next to Saria . . . If I didn't have so much control, I was going to cry. "NAVI! How could you say that?! Now I know why you left me! You hate me! Well I hate you too! You were an annoying, PMSing bitch-fairy who knew nothing but how to embarrass me in front of _everyone_! Leave me alone!" I wiped a small (very small, in fact, microscopic) tear out of my eye. "Come on, Tatl. We don't need _her_." Tatl fluttered out from behind Navi, who had dimmed to a dull teal, and rested on my shoulder. I turned around and ran up the stairs into the Pedestal Room. I ran up to the Master Sword and pulled it out of it's stone hold.

Blue light flared around me. I screamed with the tearing pain going into hyper-sleep implied. Tatl also screamed. We screamed together. A third voice joined ours. Navi. The three of us screamed for seven years . . .

I opened my eyes, as it seemed, only a second later. I blinked. Everything seemed to small. The room, the two fairies fluttering around my head (okay, since you little hentai's can't tell head from _head_ I'll just say hat now. Okay? HAT!), the Master Sword that I held in my hand, the shield on my back . . . It worked!

__

*Chibi's Warning: Sad moment is over*

"YEAH!" I screamed, throwing my hands into the air, shaking them at the doubt in the air.

I froze.

I suddenly had _the_ biggest craving for Wheat Crunch. Do you _know_ how much fun one can have with a sack (hee hee. _sack_)of Wheat Crunch and a best friend who can't seem to grasp the fact that you do not inhale the dried wheat.

__

[AN: My cat is walking in front of my monitor, so the typing might be a bit messed up, add to the fact that it's midnight and I'm about the fall over. Wait, cat's gone. Resume with story]

Okay, so I was saying that once Sheik was such an idiot that he inhaled this pizza flavoured Wheat Crunch and he started choking. All wheezing and stuff. Really funny. He turned blue.

Navi and Tatl both jabbed me in the ribs. "Can we get a move on?" the blue one asked. "Remember, you left Cremia sitting on Epona all by herself in Termina," the other reminded me.

Yeah, yeah, don't get your panties in a bunch. I'm a-commin'. All these crazy things happenin' an all they want me to do is rush my pretty butt back to the land from hell. I WANT ICE CREAM! I WANT TO GO TO MOXIE'S ONE MORE TIME! I WANT TO LET LAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDD!!!!!!!

"Link, stop whining and get us back to Termina!" Tatl beat me over the head with her little stunted fairy-hands.

I was indifferent to pain. "OW! MY EHAD!!"

"Ehad? What the hell is an Ehad?" Navi tilted her little stunted fairy-body.

"It's HEAD without spellcheck, you SOUPSPOON!!" I gave her the raspberry.

"Well ANYway, let's get going!"

"Which one of you said that?"

"I did."

"Oh that sure helps."

"You're welcome."

"I didn't mean it that way!"

"Sure you didn't."

"I did too!"

" "HA! Got you to admit it!!" "

"Damn fairies..."

" "What did you say?" "

"I said . . .da . . .mn . . .fair . . .ires . . .crap!"

" "HA!" "

"Would you two stop that??!!

"What?"

"Who's talking?"

"I don't know…"

"I'm lost…"

" "Me too…" "

"Aw…crap…?"

"There wasn't supposed to be a question mark there…"

"Chibi's drunk…"

"No. She's just in school."

" "Ahhhh." "

"I **said** would you two stop that already!"

"And we answered."

"You did?"

"Yeah."

"What did you answer?"

" "NO!! AH HAHAHAHA!!!" "

__

*Enter Chibi*

And then Chibi walked into the room. And did she ever walk into the room . . .

(_*remember, inside these is MST*_)

(Sheik: Uh, Chibi... What are you doing?)

(Chibi: Just watch)

She walked, her hips swinging back and forth, hypnotizing me for more than a few moments. Navi and Tatl blushed, turning them into odd shades of purple and orange. "Link," Navi poked my right arm. "Link . . ." Tatl poked my left arm. If I had been paying enough attention to consciously form words, I wouldn't have been paying attention to them anyway, so screw me answering. There was just her . . .

(Sheik: But Chibi...)

(Chibi: Shut up! You're ruining the suspense!)

(Sheik: What suspense?)

(Chibi: ~_~;;;)

"Wow, Chibi. You're all... wow..." Sometimes I hate my brain. It tries to think of things that are cool and suavé, but it fails, miserably. I am ashamed of my brain.

"No, Link. _I'm_ ashamed of your brain," Chibi interrupted. I sweatdropped and fell over.

(Sheik: Was that the suspense?)

(Chibi: Nevermind, Sheik. You didn't get it. You're too slow. Go back to the plastic ball park and have fun playing in there with Duo)

(Sheik: Oh boy! _*runs off to the plastic ball park*_)

(Chibi: Idiots! I'm surrounded by idiots!)

"What?"

"Yes, Link. You managed to qualify as an idiot."

"Lay off Navi! You're mean!"

"It's my freaking job. O-kay?" she said à-la Dr Evil.

"Wait a second," Chibi closed her eyes and held up her hands. "How did you manage to hear what's going on out there?" _*points out to the actual MST. is pointing right at Mike*_

(Mike: Oh God... They've figured us out! CRAP! RUN!! RUN, YOU LITTLE ROBOTS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!)

(Crow: Calm down, you idiot. She's not _really_ pointing to us, just to the camera)

(Mike:_ *calming down_* Oh...)

"And what if I _was_ really talking to you?" she asked, her hands on her hips.

(Mike: CRAP! I told you!!)

(_*all the _real_ MSTers run away*_)

"Now that _that_ problem's delt with . . ." Then she turned back to me. Holy wow . . . "Link," she said, looking _right at me!!_ "You seriously need to get on with the story. I just checked and it's 12 pages long! That's too long for idioscism!!" I held up a finger-- "LINK!" Not _that_ finger. "Oh. But anyway, get a move on cutie pants!"

And she left.

(Sheik: What was that all about?)

(Chibi: What?)

(Sheik: You all enticing Link and stuff)

(Chibi: Oh. That. I dunno. It was late. I felt like it. Did you have fun playing with Duo?)

(Sheik: _*kind of confused*_ Yes. Yes I did. How did you know about that?)

(Chibi: Well, since I was the one who told you to go and play with him, and I was just wondering--)

"Hell-O?!" I tapped my foot and crossed my arms.

(Chibi: Oh. Sorry)

"Yeah, it's about time." So I took out my Ocarina and played the song of whatever it was again, so now I'm back in Clock Town. Navi's all freaking out and stuff. I stuffed her in my hat, after dunking my head in the little (now _really_ little pool) by the stairs. A few hot glances and a charming smile later, I was back out in Termina field.

Tatl fluttered around my head again. "Link, time's still frozen. Play the Double Song of Inverted Time again!"

"The WHAT?" Navi muffled from under my hat.

So I did. Walkie walkies . . . So back to Cremia. She saw me, and

**__**

She fainted . . .


End file.
